A photo of said atheist and Christian. photo by Jackie Hobbins.
I’m a Christian and my husband, Mike, is an atheist. This one fact about our relationship seems to be a fascinating conversation starter for many. I used to bring it up bashfully, depending on the audience. In short, in Mike’s work community–he’s a research scientist–religion is not always viewed favorably, whereas in my own religious community, admitting you are married to a non-believer usually brings on a flood of ensuing pity and the predictable “Oh, don’t worry dear, he’ll come around.”
A lot of people assume that all atheists are arrogant jerks with no moral compass. And they are wrong. My husband is a wonderful human being: he’s thoughtful, loving, loyal, open-minded, intelligent, and visceral. He has joined me in participating in several bible studies and, when I heard about a sort of science-y-atheist discussion group in our community, I offered to check it out with him. I was surprised when he balked at the idea. He said, “I don’t really want to go to a group like that. They are probably just a bunch of arseholes.” Even he is not immune to the imagery. Of course, Christians too have a whole host of negative stereotypes ascribed to them, among which are that they’re judgmental hypocrites who use their religion to shield themselves from the real world.
While we were dating, a pastor told me that our relationship was doomed to fail and that having different beliefs is one of the main issues leading to marital problems. Despite this dark prophecy, we just kept right on falling for each other. We fell all the way to Australia, where we lived for three and half years, were married, and from where we toured the world. Now, some twelve years later, we have two lovely little boys.
Along the way, our differences have caused a few bumps in the road. Once before a party at our house, a member of my extended family led everyone in a prayer before the meal. This made Mike uncomfortable in his own home, but was absolutely normal for the member of my family. Mike and I talked extensively about it and I had a chat with my family about how our house norms are a little different from theirs. For the time being, Mike and I have settled on praying at Easter, but toasting at birthdays.
These things don’t happen often, but just like any other issue in a marriage, thorough communication is the key to keeping our differences from metastasizing into something we can’t handle. To foster communication on this particular topic, we host a bible study at our house for couples of mixed-faith, including believer/atheist couples like ourselves. We did this once before when we lived in Salt Lake City. As the leader of the group, both times I’ve been nervous things would go awry: religion can be such a volatile issue for so many people. Indeed, despite my own experience, the idea of belief differences only ever being a wedge has stuck firmly with me.
The folks who have joined our group have been some of the most open-minded people I have ever met. Rather than focussing on the differences we may have with our own partners, the group focusses on the similarities between couples (after all, each of us is already well aware of the differences in our own relationships). We have a lot of shared experiences that have quickly brought us close. These groups have given Mike and me a safe place to talk about some very touchy subjects and to learn more about each other. Over time, we’ve realized that our values overlap about 90% of the time.
There is a lesson in here for all of us. Just like that pastor, the world is full of people who will tell you that it is impossible to get along with folks different from you. But, if Christians and atheists can get along, how about Yankees and Red Sox fans, or even (*gasp*) Republicans and Democrats? Is that even possible? I think so, and in an effort bolster support, I have a public service announcement I’d like to make:
Dear religious folk, atheists, and… well, everybody else:
- Learn to Listen – You’ll never grow unless you learn to listen and nobody wants to hear from you unless you hear them first.
- Learn to say “I don’t know” – There are plenty of things you do not know. Even if you know a lot, stop pretending that you have all the answers.
- Be Confident and Humble – Don’t feel bullied by every opinion that doesn’t jive with what you think you know. Your life and experiences are just a small sliver of what goes on in the world.
- See the Person, not the Politics – Everyone has more then one side.
- The Most Fanatical People Speak the Loudest – Please don’t be one of these people. For more explanation please see item #1.
Let’s all spend a little more time listening and a little less time talking. After all, who knows what we’ve been missing?
So one day, not so long ago…. an atheist and a Christian walked into a bar. They laughed, they drank, they played pool, they listened, and they fell in love. Life has never been the same.
Comments
So cool! Didn’t know this about you guys.
Jackie! I love this. As a Christian, too, I have heard this a lot that being with an unbeliever is impossible. You bring up such a valid point. If as Christians we are led to love, than avoiding getting involved with those with different views is exactly the opposite of what we should be doing. I love reading about your relationship with Mike and how open-minded you both have chosen to be if not for each other for yourselves.
I totally agree Megan. I think there are a lot of religious people that choose to put themselves in a bubble on and only step outside of it artificially. Not what we are called to do… Thanks for your comment!
Jackie- it’s not very often that you get to see such candor when it comes to faith differences, especially when it comes to the guidelines you shared! Good words to live by!
Thanks Brad! I wish folks talked about this stuff more often, but I find a lot of people are just not up to it.
Great post! Joey faced the same things when we were engaged because I was outspokenly atheist at that point (and one of those arseholes Mike mentioned). Perhaps sometime I can muster the courage to walk Mike through my transition into Christianity. Being an engineer my brain had to be enlightened by books based on logic, reason, and science, not spirituality nor faith.
I challenge MIke to read “More than a Carpenter” by Josh McDowell. It is a super simple read and does not attempt to sway your beliefs, rather presents you with fact and logic and asks you to make your own decision. I would be fascinated to hear his thoughts on this book. Also for anyone who’s brains work like Mike’s or my own, and is a total nerd, I HIGHLY recommend this book: “The Language of God”. Be sure to read his bio, interesting fella.
I’ll pass that along Zach. I know he isn’t usually too keen on reading that sort of thing, but more likely from you then from me! 🙂 Thanks for the suggestions and comment. I really appreciate it.
As Shannon and I continue our path, the time we spent talking about religion in the small group here in slc was beneficial for giving us a public setting to share and grow. Seeing how others approach and handle differences in belief gave us more ways to talk about our differences. Thanks to you and Mike for being awesome!
You are welcome! We miss you guys a lot and are so happy to see you married now. I hope we’ll make it back over to SLC sometime soon! Give Shannon a hug from the Hobbinses!
Really cool article, Jackie, thanks for sharing. 🙂 I’m a relationship junkie, I love to see how people work out their differences in relationship, so this is really cool- particularly in marriages! Meeting people who find ways to work together in long-term partnerships always encourages me.
Thanks for your comment Chelsea! I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed it.